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Some Bumper Stickers

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?* He who laughs last thinks slowest.* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at...
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Rubio’s Immigration Plan

Rubio discovered that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Our government can also track her calves to their stalls.However, the government is unable to locate 11 million...
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Agriculture Politics

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Bubba Peterson, over at Alexandria, LA, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What...
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Dead Calf

A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.”Oh, about $300 today,” said the owner. “But in...
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The Plumber

A lady was expecting the plumber, he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some...
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Mistakes on a Resume

These are from actual resumes: “Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs. “I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.” “Qualifications:...
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A Collection of Insults!

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff?...
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Cow on Train Tracks

Cow on Train TracksA passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.”What’s going on?” she yells out the window.”Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.Ten minutes...
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Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard....
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More Animal Q and A

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?A: Because they don’t know the words.Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?A: To a crow bar.Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange...
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You are a Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?””Two years,” says the man.”Then why did it take you so long...
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The Resume Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the...
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Letter to a Shrink

Dear Shrink, It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night...
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A Guide to Walking Tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced....
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The Environmentalist

One day an executive from a large corporation paid a visit to a fanatical environmentalist who lived in a nearby forest. The executive wanted the approval of the environmentalist for a new product his company was creating, and he took it upon himself to make the visit...
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Chicken Q and A

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?A: Because it was a double-crosser.Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken...
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Settling a Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled...
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Creative Wording

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let’s say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin...
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