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Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard....
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Animals Playing Football

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half...
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A Group of…

Now you know, add these terms to your vocabulary and be the hit of the party when watching Animal Planet TV shows! A group of antelope is called a herd. A group of ants is called an army or a colony. A group of apes is called a shrewdness. A group of baboons is called...
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Down at the Retirement Home

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!” An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An...
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The Secretary’s Prayer

The Secretary’s Prayer Dear Lord, I NEED HELP. Help me to be a good secretary, and help me to have the memory of an elephant, or one at least three years long. Help me by some miracle to be able to do six things at once, answer four telephones at the same time...
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More Elephant Jokes

More Elephant Jokes Q) How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?A) Don’t be stupid, elephants can’t change light bulbs. Q) Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?A) Because, if it was small, white and smooth would be an Aspirin. Q) What do...
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Favorite Elephant/Duck Joke

Favorite Elephant/Duck Joke Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?A. For stamping out Forest Fires. Q. Why do elephants have calluses on their feet?A. From stomping out Burning Ducks.
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Useless Facts

Useless Facts Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side...
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Whose Kid?

Whose Kid? A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver. The little kid starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.” The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, “If...
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Animal Q and A

Animal Q and A Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?A: To get to the Shell station! Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?A: To invent the other side. Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?A: To corrupt the other side. Q: Why did the chicken IRS...
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X’mas Greetings

X’mas Greetings Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend: The election is over, the results are known, the will of the people has clearly been shown. Let’s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, we will give our leader all the help...
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The Angry Elephant

The Angry Elephant A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the...
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Elephant Jokes

Elephant Jokes How do you know an elephant’s been in your refrigerator? You can see his footprints in the butter. How does an elephant camouflage himself in an apple tree?Paints his ball red. How did Tarzan die?He went picking apples…. Why can’t an...
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Take it All

An elephant is walking in the jungle and gets a thorn stuck in its paw. An ant comes walking by and the elephant asks “Ant, will you take this thorn out of my paw?”. The ant says ” Yes, but only if I can hump your ass.”. The elephant thinks...
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Jungle Transplants

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion and loses an eye, an arm, and his penis. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a penis, they give him a baby elephant’s trunk....
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Calls You an Animal

Calls You an Animal If someone calls you an animal, just remember the following: I work like a horse.I eat like a pig.I like to play chicken.They call me a dirty rat.You can get my goat.I can be as slippery as a snake.I get dog tired.I can be as quiet as a mouse.They...
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