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What your car says about you

Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman. Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp. Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating up people....
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Boys and Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to...
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School Report

Teacher: Tonight you all have to finish your book reports Later that night… Boy: Mom, can you help me with my report? Mom: Shut Up! I’m on the phone! Boy: Dad (who is watching a football game) Can you help me with my homework? Dad: (cheering for his team)...
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Performance Evaluation Translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. Active socially: Drinks heavily. Alert to company developments: An office gossip. Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. Average: Not...
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The Value of Children

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school. Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther,...
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Kids

I’m proud of how many kids I’ve managed to put through college. We have my dentist’s kids, my mechanic’s kids and of course my lawyer’s kids…… I have a kid in college who thinks he’s being independent when he buys his...
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WD-40

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around...
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What Time is it?

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant...
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Bat Competition

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and...
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Part in a Play

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a...
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The National Costume

Nine-year-old Rachel came home from school and said, “Daddy, I need a national costume. They told us to come to the ball on Sunday in our national costumes.” “Listen to that!” cried her father. “She’s not even ten, and already she...
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Learn your ABC’s – Mom Style!

A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. D...
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Bosnian Footballer

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for ’96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then...
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Big Ten Alumni Mountain Climbing Trip

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They...
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Parent Job Description

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work...
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Time and Friends …

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!! Each of...
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Redneck Jokes

I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying “pecans ahead.” Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate? What do rednecks call duck tape?Chrome. An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite...
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