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Biggest Tool

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, “Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!” She yells, “Whose Jimmy Poole?” A kid in the back stands up and says,...
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They Don’t Mess Around

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: “Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?” “Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.” “Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I...
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Some Bumper Stickers

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?* He who laughs last thinks slowest.* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at...
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Chemistry Lab

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab 10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. 9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?” 8. Consistently write...
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A Boy and Math

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were...
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Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. And...
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The Sum

A little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and asked, “What are you doing?” The little...
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School Report

Teacher: Tonight you all have to finish your book reports Later that night… Boy: Mom, can you help me with my report? Mom: Shut Up! I’m on the phone! Boy: Dad (who is watching a football game) Can you help me with my homework? Dad: (cheering for his team)...
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What Do I Have…

The teacher asked little Peter; “If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?” “Big Hands,” said Peter.
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The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study. (second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four worksheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown...
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Part in a Play

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a...
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Several years ago

Several years ago ….. President Bush was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of...
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Two Sided

Two Sided Geometry teacher to class: “A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons.” “What about two sided ones?” asked a student. “They don’t exist.” said the teacher. “I beg to...
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Remembrance Day

Remembrance Day Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all...
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The Secretary’s Prayer

The Secretary’s Prayer Dear Lord, I NEED HELP. Help me to be a good secretary, and help me to have the memory of an elephant, or one at least three years long. Help me by some miracle to be able to do six things at once, answer four telephones at the same time...
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