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Lifeline

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline… Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings...
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Installing a Carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of...
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Black Friday

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to...
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Phone Network Discovery

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not...
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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will...
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Finish the Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?” “Twelve...
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The Felix Crash

Felix from the odd couple went on a balloon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert. A few days went by with no relief in site. Then… A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but...
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Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’ I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,...
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5 Rules to Live By

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again. 4. Many people...
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Where is Harry?

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. “Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple miles up the trail,”...
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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop. 2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink. 3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed...
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Dumb Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and...
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Painting the Porch

An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of paint and offers him $50 to paint his porch. A few hours later the guy goes to the home-owner and says, “I’ve finished!! but I reckon you should know your...
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Stock Brokers Audit

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented,...
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At the Bank

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his...
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Constantly Complaining about the Temperature

Constantly Complaining about the Temperature A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour....
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Strange Thoughts

We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. – C.S. Lewis We are often most in the dark when we are the...
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