The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
The post office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semi-automatics to Uzis.
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, “The check’s in the mail,” people are going to say, “Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn’t find the remote.”
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers!
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…..he turned himself in.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
– Ann Landers
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
– Ronald Reagan