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What to do at the funeral of someone you don’t like

* Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move.

* Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow a fraud.

* Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.

* Sign the deceased’s name in the guest register.

* Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can’t get the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are dead.

* Bring a shovel to the church.

* Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.

* Put waxed lips on the body.

* Ask the widow how long she’s been sure he’s dead.

* Tell the widow a lot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled anyway.

* Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says, “I’d rather be breathing!”

* Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.

* Tell the deceased’s mother that you never expected them to go in this order.

* Put a parking ticket on the coffin.

* Ask the widow if she’s going to ride to the cemetery with the body

* Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they kneel in front of the body.

* Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.

* Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is appropriate to sign the coffin.

* Ask the widow if you can take a finger.

* Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, “I’ll bet this is costing you a pretty penny.”

* Ask the deceased’s mother what she was doing when she got the news.

* Tell the widow that the body doesn’t look comfortable.

* Ask the widow if she’s aware of any job openings.

* Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and the deceased.

* Tell the widow you think he’d look better on his side.

* Tell the widow you suspect foul play.

* Keep trying to French kiss the widow.

* Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the deceased.

* Put a lit cigarette in the deceased’s mouth.

* Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.

* Wear a “Grateful Dead” t-shirt to the wake.

* Put a check to the deceased’s favorite charity in the coffin.

* Sing “Tea For One” at the church.

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