Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to China as of July 1, 2020. The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $3 Trillion plus in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 4 years.
“We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Joe Spitzel (R-WA).
“We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Spitzel noted.
Mr. Trump was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Jai Kai Ting of China ICOM (Compow ,China) will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2012. Mr. Ting was born in the United States while his Chinese parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $300 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Ting will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and China, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at Apple’s call center,” stated Mr. Ting in an exclusive interview. “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.”
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Ting may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Trump was not familiar with the issues either.
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at Apple’s call center. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.
Mr. Ting will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson. “President Trump has used them successfully for years.”
Trump will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Trump has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Trump may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience and questions about his birth certificate. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Trump ‘s extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as FOX reporters or TV commentators.