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Lab Rat

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well,...
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Some Bumper Stickers

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?* He who laughs last thinks slowest.* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at...
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Dead Dog

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by...
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Dead Calf

A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $300 today,” said the owner. “But...
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A Collection of Insults!

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff?...
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More Animal Q and A

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?A: Because they don’t know the words. Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?A: To a crow bar. Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?A: He was going to make a long-distance caw. Q: What did the chick say when it saw an...
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Animals Playing Football

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half...
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And so it was…

God created the donkey and said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.You will be a donkey.” The donkey answered: “I will...
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New Horse

Mr. Jones was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Jones struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did,...
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Gorilla

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas...
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Farm Animal Jokes

Why do ducks have webbed feet?To stamp out forest fires! Why did the pig go to the casino?To play the slop machine! What is a pigs favorite ballet?Swine Lake! What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?Pooched eggs! How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?Eat...
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Somewhere in CA

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the...
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A Group of…

Now you know, add these terms to your vocabulary and be the hit of the party when watching Animal Planet TV shows! A group of antelope is called a herd. A group of ants is called an army or a colony. A group of apes is called a shrewdness. A group of baboons is called...
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Redneck Jokes

I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying “pecans ahead.” Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate? What do rednecks call duck tape?Chrome. An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite...
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Ideas About Science

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell...
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