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Redneck Check…

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey,...
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Old Age Disease

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t...
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Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public. 2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older. 3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every...
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Florida Senior Citizens

A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: “My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one. “Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another....
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Visiting Grandma

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in....
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Grandpa, Can You…?

A little girl said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? “Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she sat on her grandfather’s lap she said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure...
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Proud

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady. “What’s to be proud?” asked the old man. “I noticed that when you sneeze you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.” “Of...
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$5.37!

That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab...
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Snappy Comeback Lines

“Did you take a bath?”“Why, Is there one missing?” “Are you chewing gum?”“No, I’m John Smith.” “I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.”“Yes, Madam. How large is your house?”...
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Open Fly

Tactful(?) ways to tell a man his fly is open: 16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.15. Your dork is ajar.14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.13. I can see your Gap dancers.12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr....
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Telegram

It was Schneider’s birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. “Telegram!” He opened the door excitedly, “Is it a singing telegram?” Schneider asked the messenger boy. “No Sir. We don’t do singing telegrams...
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Washed Dishes

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those...
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In the End

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. “My grandfather lived to be 96.” “Ninety-six? What finally got him???” “Liquor and women.” “Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy,...
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Elderly Couple at McDonalds

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for...
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Gas Service

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen...
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Who… Whuh?

When a busload of refugees came to the church, she requested the old man and the old lady clinging to the edge of the truck to come home with her. After consultation they said they would. She gave them a bath, a good meal and finally led them to their bedroom. After a...
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Samples

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.” The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,...
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You’re Next!

When I was younger I hated going to weddings… it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped after I started doing the same thing to...
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Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’ The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing...
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Little Tommy on Getting Older

Little TOMMY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you...
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