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Newfoundland, My Newfoundland

Newfoundland, My Newfoundland(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz Convection’s cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and...
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Even More Insults!

Even More Insults! Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified. You are not as bad as people say — you...
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Girlfriend 1.0 Software

Girlfriend 1.0 Software Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it’s a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he...
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Headstone

Headstone A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed – “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks “Mommy, why did they bury two men...
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3 Honeymoon Nights

3 Honeymoon Nights Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother...
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Politics

Politics Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father “Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thought some and said, “Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics...
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Virus Warning: Missus

Virus Warning: Missus DescriptionMissus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. VariantsGirlfriend 1.0 was the first...
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Baby Bear

Baby Bear The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about...
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Husband 1.0

Husband 1.0 Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors...
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Birthday Party

Birthday Party A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would...
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10 Slices of Toast

10 Slices of Toast Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After...
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A Boy and Math

A Boy and Math A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the...
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Gentle Southern Woman

Gentle Southern Woman A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, ‘Please...
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Two Factories

Two Factories There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the “Mothers Frockers.” The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they...
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Murphy’s Work Laws

Murphy’s Work Laws A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go...
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Understand Women

Understand Women A man sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal ?” “I’ll never understand women. The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on,...
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A Collection of Insults!

A Collection of Insults! If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the...
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What your car says about you

What your car says about you Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman. Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp. Chevrolet Camaro – I...
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Boys and Girls

Boys and Girls “Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and...
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