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Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette – I’m in a mid-life crisis.

Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit.

Infiniti Q45 – I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 – I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB – I am dating a mechanic.

Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel – I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 – I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.

Toyota Camry – I am still in the closet.

Volkswagen Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet – I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus – I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon – I am frightened of my wife.

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