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1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not aim for the head
3. I will not skateboard in the halls
4. I will not barf unless I’m sick
5. I will not burp in class
6. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
7. I will not instigate revolution
8. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge
9. I will not draw naked ladies in class
10. I will not conduct my own fire drills
11. I did not see Elvis
12. I will return the seeing-eye dog
13. Funny noises are not funny
14. I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”
15. I will not snap bras
16. Garlic gum is not funny
17. I will not fake seizures
18. They are laughing at me, not with me
19. This punishment is not boring and meaningless
20. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
21. My name is not Dr. Death
22. I will not encourage others to fly
23. I will not defame New Orleans
24. I will not fake my way through life
25. I will not prescribe medication
26. Tar is not a plaything
27. I will not bury the new kid
28. I will not Xerox my butt
29. I will not teach others to fly
30. It’s potato, not potatoe
31. I will not bring sheep to class
32. I will not trade pants with others
33. A burp is not an answer
34. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
35. I am not a 32 year old woman
36. Teacher is not a leper
37. I will not do that thing with my tongue
38. Coffee is not for kids
39. I will not drive the principal’s car
40. I will not eat things for money
41. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
42. I will not yell “She’s Dead” during roll call
43. I will not sell school property
44. The principal’s toupee is not a frisbee
45. I will not cut corners
46. I will not squeak chalk
47. I do not have diplomatic immunity
48. I will not charge admission to the bathroom
49. I will not get very far with this attitude
50. Goldfish don’t bounce
51. I will not make flatulent noises in class
52. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
53. I will not belch the National Anthem
54. No one is interested in my underpants
55. I will not sell land in Florida
56. I will not sell miracle cures
57. I will not grease the monkey bars
58. Underwear should be worn on the inside
59. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
60. The Christmas pageant does not stink
61. I will not do anything bad ever again
62. I will not torment the emotionally frail
63. I will not show off
64. I will not call the principal “spud head”
65. I will not carve gods
66. I will not sleep through my education
67. I will not spank others
68. I am not a dentist
69. I will not bribe Principal Skinner
70. Spitwads are not free speech
71. I will finish what I start
72. Nobody likes sunburn slappers
73. “Bart Bucks” are not legal tender
74. High explosives and school don’t mix
75. Hamsters cannot fly
76. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
77. I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause
78. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
79. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
80. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
81. I am not deliciously saucy
82. Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
83. I will not send lard through the mail
84. I will not use abbrev.
85. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
86. Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal
87. Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
88. There are plenty of businesses like show business
89. I will not dissect things unless instructed
90. I will not hang donuts on my person
91. No one wants to hear my armpits
92. I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
93. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
94. I will not strut around like I own the place
95. Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
96. The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
97. I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
98. I am not a lean mean spitting machine
99. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
100. I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
101. Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
102. I do not have power of attorney over first graders
103. Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
104. I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
105. I am not certified to remove asbestos
106. “Bagman” is not a legitimate career choice
107. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
108. I will remember to take my medication
109. The boys room is not a water park
110. Beans are neither fruit nor musical
111. Nerve gas is not a toy
112. “Bewitched” does not promote Satanism
113. The First Amendment does not cover burping
114. Ralph won’t “morph” if you squeeze him hard enough

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