Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) …to get up in the morning?
b) …to get out of bed?
c) …to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase “swiss water decaffeinated” strike terror into your heart?
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) …in more than five?
c) …in your bathroom?
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) …because you’re wearing out their hole-punch?
c) …and it’s bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) …and his donkey?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) …that you don’t like?
c) …because it’s too frustrating?
Response Ratio Yes No Analysis
20-22 0-2 You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise.
17-19 3-5 You are a slightly jagged member of society, life’s okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
0-16 6-22 What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!? Coffee’s not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?