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Say it Flowers

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear” she said, “what’s the occasion?””I want to make love to you” he said simply.”Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”The next night Jerry...
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If someone tries to break in:

I heard him trying to break in. I ran to the cabinet grabbed my automatic, slammed the clip in and chambered a round. I was scared as I snuck down the hall to the back door. I also grabbed a flash light. I opened the door as quietly and as slowly as I could. I tip...
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Dog Letters to God

Dog Letters to GodTO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the...
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Calling in Sick

A Cat Owner’s StoryCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply...
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Vet!

One hot July day we found this old scraggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy...
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Good-bye

So this couple is going out for an evening on the town. There all ready to go and the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. So the Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house so the...
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Dogs and Cats

Dogs and CatsA dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry...
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The Top Ten Differences Between Cats and Dogs:

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats and Dogs:10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if...
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Cats

Cats”Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” — Dave Platt”Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” — Bruce Graham”There is no snooze button on a cat who wants...
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Rules for Stray Cats

Rules for Stray CatsSTRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS1. Stray cats will not be fed.2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.4. Stray cats will...
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Two ROBINS

Two ROBINSTwo ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m sooo hungry, what can we eat?”To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, “How about...
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A Cat’s Heaven

A Cat’s HeavenA cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.”The cat says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a...
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Precious Words from Kids

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked.”Daddy picked them up and looked...
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Little Old Ladies

Little Old Ladies ___ (___) /’ ‘ / /” _/o o_/ ( _ ) ‘ /’ /\V// / /_ _ ___/ / /===/ || || || || ||_____|| |_____| ||| / Y ‘”‘”‘A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in...
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Why Cats Are Better Than Men

Why Cats Are Better Than Men* A CAT always hits the litter box.* Better chance of training a CAT.* No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.* You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.* If you ask...
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What is a cat?

What is a cat?* Cats do what they want.* They rarely listen to you.* They’re totally unpredictable.* They whine when they are not happy.* When you want to play, they want to be alone.* When you want to be alone, they want to play.* They expect you to cater to...
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Some New Years Resolutions for your dog:

Some New Years Resolutions for your dog:1) I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.2) The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. 3) I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee...
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Children’s Books That Didn’t Make The Cut

Children’s Books That Didn’t Make The Cut1. You Are Different and That’s Bad2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables3. Dad’s New Wife Robert4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An...
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Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat...
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Actual Want Ads

Actual Want AdsFREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOGFREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL – 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOGFREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG…LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE…BETTER...
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