The Feline Diet

Animals, Cats, Dieting, Food

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots...

You Know It’s Time to Diet When…

Animals, Computers, Dieting, Doctors, Elephants

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says,...

Quickies V

Dieting, Marriage, One Liners, Sex, Silly Sayings

This just in:Saddam’s Response to the Recent Bombings(Baghdad) Following a second day of heavy bombing in and around the Iraqi capital, Saddam Hussein reportedly announced that he is willing to accept censure.========There are two theories to arguing with women....

Signs you have grown up!

Dating, Dieting, Dogs, Drinking, Food, Sex, Songs

1. Your potted plants stay alive.2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.6. You carry an umbrella. You...

Penis List – Part II

Dentists, Dieting, Military

The Nintendo Penis: Now you’re playing with power.The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.The Robutussin Penis II: Recommended by Dr. Mom…The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me.The THX...

Only Women Understand

Dieting, Women

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. FAT CLOTHES. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5....

Words To Live By

Dieting

Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!Well, if Jerry Springer isn’t educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.I tried to get in touch with my...

Diets

Dieting

John and Marie were driving in the car and were having their usual argument of the day. The bitter words were flying back and forth, and John mumbling under his breath. Marie got really crazy because she thought she heard John call her a fat bitch.”John, did you...

Did ya ever wonder…

Dieting, Students

Do you think all the other flowers make fun of Pansies?Why are most pencils yellow?Why did they change the name of Diet Pepsi if it was already only one calorie?What’s the deal with colors and cartoon characters? You know, like GREEN Lantern, GREEN Arrow, and...

Some People II

Dieting, Taxes

They don’t know their own strength until they get into hot water.-> are like the twenty-five cent stamps. You don’t appreciate them until they are gone.-> are like wheelbarrows, trailers or canoes. They need to be pushed, pulled or paddled.-> are perfect...

Diet

Dieting

-> A diet is a weigh of life.-> It’s something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don’t gain weight.-> A diet is what you go on when not only can’t you fit into the store’s dresses, you can’t fit into the dressing...

THE PERFECT DIET

Dieting, Food

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day….BREAKFAST*****************1/2 Grapefruit1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast – Dry8 oz Skim MilkLUNCH**********4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast1 cup Steamed Spinach1 cup Herb Tea1...

What does a Turkey Say?

Dieting, Football, Religion, Sports

“Gobble, gobble, gobble?” ……. Not always!What does …A jewelry-lovin’ turkey say? “Bauble bauble bauble”A dyslexic turkey say? “Boggle Boggle Boggle”A turkey in the shoe repair shop say? “Cobble cobble...

The Stress Diet!

Dieting, Food

THE FEMALE STRESS DIETThis is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:BREAKFAST 1 Grapefruit 1 Slice whole wheat toast 1 cup skim milkLUNCH Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup...

The Penis List

Dentists, Dieting

The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different.The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar.The Excedrin Penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing…Taste is everything.The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.The Alka Seltzer Penis: Pop, pop,...

New Diet Rules

Dieting

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as...

Half a Cake…

Dieting

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally...

Wait Loss

Dieting, Food

Walter was sitting in the doctor’s office for his annual physical going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor.The doctor said: “your blood pressure is a little high, you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a little...

Ways to Piss Off a Woman!

Dieting, Farmers

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her ear “Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same.”2) Use her bra as a slingshot.3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.4)...

Oxymorons…

Business, Computers, Dieting, Politics

Oxymorons…47. Act naturally46. Found missing45. Resident alien44. Advanced BASIC43. Genuine imitation42. Airline Food41. Good grief40. Same difference39. Almost exactly38. Government organization37. Sanitary landfill36. Alone together35. Legally drunk34. Silent...