Business, Computers, Holidays, Santa Clause, Students, Teachers
If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.If Microsoft ran Christmas…Each time you bought an ornament,...
Holidays, Religion, Santa Clause
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the...
Holidays, Women
(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz Convection’s cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did...
Business, Holidays, Poems and Rhymes, Programmers
Twas the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, Too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover Hadn’t a prayer. The users were nestled All snug in their beds, While visions of...
Business, Holidays
Here’s a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the...
Holidays, Internet, Poems and Rhymes
The Net is Slow Oh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it’s so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn’t show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping; Bandwidth is turned...
Holidays, Men, Poems and Rhymes, Songs
A Mad Scientist Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house, Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse. The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed, The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose. The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, I...
Business, Holidays, Men, Sex
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After...
Animals, Cowboys, Holidays, Horses, Women
A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest...
Animals, Dogs, Holidays, Men, Pigs, Religion, Seniors
Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...
Holidays
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, “thumpety thump, thumpety...
Holidays, Women
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal...
Business, Holidays, Women
A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going...
Holidays, Marriage
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the...
Holidays, Women
A man sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal ?””I’ll never understand women. The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me,...
Holidays, Lawyers, Programmers, Religion, Students
Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists’ models are deposed....
Animals, Business, Food, Holidays, Religion, Salesmen, Students, Teachers
You find yourself casually standing in a cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer your boss Ussss. You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner...
Holidays, Rednecks
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.You think a subdivision is part of a math...
Holidays, Men, Religion, Students, Women
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to...
Holidays, One Liners, Poems and Rhymes, Santa Clause, Songs
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…” 2. Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. 3. Paint your...
