Holidays, Men, Poems and Rhymes, Songs
A Mad Scientist Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house, Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse. The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed, The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose. The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, I...
Songs
I’m dreaming of a white precipitatejust like the ones I used to makeWhere the colors are vividand the chemist is lividto see impurities in the snow.I’m dreaming of a white precipitatewith every chemistry test I writeMay your equations be balanced and...
Men, Military, Songs
Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole...
Baseball, Business, Drinking, Football, Politics, Songs, Sports
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when...
Animals, Marriage, Men, Songs
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it’s your vote that...
Holidays, Religion, Songs
10. No roof damage from reindeer.9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones. 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races. 6. You can use your...
Holidays, Songs
Oh Cesium(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Thy sky-blue lines in plasma’s fire,Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,When held, you never...
Holidays, One Liners, Poems and Rhymes, Santa Clause, Songs
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…” 2. Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. 3. Paint your...
Dating, Dogs, Religion, Songs
What to do at the funeral of someone you don’t like * Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move. * Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow a fraud. * Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead. * Sign the deceased’s...
Animals, Horses, Songs
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex-Fuel Truck. It runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Yesterday, I returned to the dealer because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. “Nelson,”...
Animals, Food, Songs, Students
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN: Test 1Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a...
Men, Songs, Women
10. Do not say what you mean. Ever. 9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. 8. Play Alanis Morissette’s “You Outta Know,” loud. Look at them. Smile. 7. Look them in the eye...
Dating, Dieting, Dogs, Drinking, Food, Sex, Songs
1. Your potted plants stay alive.2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.6. You carry an umbrella. You...
Drinking, Songs
Yesterday, A Beer Drinker’s Lament(Sung to the tune of The Beatles’s song, Yesterday) Yesterday, I used to only drink one can a dayNow, it’s up and down all the way, Oh I believe I’ve gone astray.Suddenly, I am twice the size I used to be,...
Business, Doctors, Marriage, Men, Religion, Songs, Teachers, Women
The girl who was a wall flower at the dance, but a dandelion in the grass?The drive in theater manager who decided if business got any better he would start showing movies?The two Arabs who sat under a palm tree eating their dates?The recent survey on cigarettes which...
Holidays, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Songs, Students, Teachers
The night of January 20 is “Saint Agnes’s Eve”, which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.It takes glass one million years to decompose, which...
Business, Computers, Holidays, Marriage, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Songs
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song “Happy Birthday”. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in...
Rednecks, Seniors, Songs
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey,...
Business, Computers, Holidays, Lawyers, Songs
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?A: Forget-me-nuts.Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?A: I’m stuck on you. Q: Who sends a thousand valentines...
Computers, Dating, One Liners, Songs
1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself. 2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any insect derived food. 3. Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they...
