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Rejected Country-Western Song Titles

The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are GoneYou Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can’t Take the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His SaabSmells Like Team RopingI Dropped the Bookcase On My...
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25 Ways to get Rid of a Blind Date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your...
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The Song

Once in medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”. The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon. He pulled...
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In Time?

One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?””Did he what?”Her reply: “Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?”
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Is this a Record

There was this old woman who heard a song called, “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do...
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Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a...
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The 10 Worst Country-Western Song Titles

(These are real song titles, we didn’t make them up) 10. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life. 9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye. 8. Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind. 7. Her Teeth Was Stained,...
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The BINCH

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!Now don’t ask me why, for nobody can say,It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.Or the sun from the desert had beaten...
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The 12 Days of Christmas

(For the politically correct)On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping...
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Wash!

Wash!One day Jack decided that he was going to show the world his new blue cheer laundry detergent. So he went up to this lady’s house and asked if he could wash some of her clothes. She agreed.”OK lady, I will need a blouse, socks, a pair of your dirty...
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Misunderstood

MisunderstoodA man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar.”Do you want to dance?” asks the man.”I don’t care much for this song and wouldn’t be caught dead dancing with you anyway,” snips the woman.”Oh, excuse me, you must...
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Signs that you need a new Doc!

Signs that you need a new Doc!The patient before you was a goat.Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.He has an assistant named Igor.The local bar association named him “Client of the Year.”Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck...
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Softly

SoftlyIn some countries, it is considered inappropriate for a person to say “I need the bathroom.”So a mother decided to teach her little son to say “I want to sing” whenever he needs to relief himself. And, the little tyke was very good at it....
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Murphy’s Laws of Sex

Murphy’s Laws of SexThe more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.Nothing improves with age.No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the...
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Calling Cards

Calling CardsOne spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.When I showed my husband, he didn’t miss a beat and said,...
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Scribbles

ScribblesThree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few...
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25 Signs of Aging

25 Signs of Aging1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite...
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Strange but True…?

Strange but True…?An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald...
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Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Diary of a Snow ShovelerDecember 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic...
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