Business, Computers, Holidays, Santa Clause, Students, Teachers
If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.If Microsoft ran Christmas…Each time you bought an ornament,...
Students, Teachers
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, “Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!” She yells, “Whose Jimmy Poole?” A kid in the back stands up and says,...
Drinking, Poems and Rhymes, Students, Teachers
Twas the night before finals,And all through the college,The students were prayingFor last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy,But none touched their beds,While visions of essaysDanced in their heads. Out in the taverns,A few were still drinking,And hoping that...
Students, Teachers
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: “Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?” “Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.” “Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I...
Animals, Blondes, Dogs, Men, Students, Teachers
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?* He who laughs last thinks slowest.* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at...
Animals, Dogs, Elephants, Football, Men, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Sports, Students, Teachers
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to...
Business, Food, Men, Religion, Students, Teachers, Women
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were...
Teachers
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”8. Consistently write three...
Students, Teachers
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.”Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?””Sadness,” said the student.And...
Animals, Business, Food, Holidays, Religion, Salesmen, Students, Teachers
You find yourself casually standing in a cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer your boss Ussss. You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner...
Teachers
A little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”His mother heard what he was saying and asked, “What are you doing?”The little...
Football, Sports, Students, Teachers
Teacher: Tonight you all have to finish your book reportsLater that night…Boy: Mom, can you help me with my report?Mom: Shut Up! I’m on the phone!Boy: Dad (who is watching a football game) Can you help me with my homework?Dad: (cheering for his team) YEAH...
Teachers
The teacher asked little Peter; “If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?””Big Hands,” said Peter.
Teachers
On the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study.(second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four worksheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown...
Men, Religion, Students, Teachers
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.She asks, “What part is it?”The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a...
Holidays, Religion, Seniors, Students, Teachers
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parent’s house. Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. Couch potato latke, in...
Teachers
Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.”We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”One...
Military, Students, Teachers, US President
President Bush was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word,...
Students, Teachers
Geometry teacher to class: “A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons.””What about two sided ones?” asked a student.”They don’t exist.” said the teacher.”I beg to differ! I think we...
Business, Elephants, Teachers
Dear Lord,I NEED HELP. Help me to be a good secretary, and help me to have the memory of an elephant, or one at least three years long. Help me by some miracle to be able to do six things at once, answer four telephones at the same time while typing a letter that must...
