A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to...
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not...
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline… Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings...
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will...
Felix from the odd couple went on a balloon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert. A few days went by with no relief in site. Then… A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but...
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’ I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,...
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again. 4. Many people...
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. “Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple miles up the trail,”...
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop. 2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink. 3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed...
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?” “Twelve...
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented,...
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his...
Constantly Complaining about the TemperatureA customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an...
We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. – C.S. LewisWe are often most in the dark when we are the...
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and...
An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of paint and offers him $50 to paint his porch. A few hours later the guy goes to the home-owner and says, “I’ve finished!! but I reckon you should know your...
