What to do at the funeral of someone you don’t like
* Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move.
* Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow a fraud.
* Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.
* Sign the deceased’s name in the guest register.
* Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can’t get the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are dead.
* Bring a shovel to the church.
* Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.
* Put waxed lips on the body.
* Ask the widow how long she’s been sure he’s dead.
* Tell the widow a lot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled anyway.
* Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says, “I’d rather be breathing!”
* Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.
* Tell the deceased’s mother that you never expected them to go in this order.
* Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
* Ask the widow if she’s going to ride to the cemetery with the body
* Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they kneel in front of the body.
* Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.
* Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is appropriate to sign the coffin.
* Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
* Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, “I’ll bet this is costing you a pretty penny.”
* Ask the deceased’s mother what she was doing when she got the news.
* Tell the widow that the body doesn’t look comfortable.
* Ask the widow if she’s aware of any job openings.
* Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and the deceased.
* Tell the widow you think he’d look better on his side.
* Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
* Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
* Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the deceased.
* Put a lit cigarette in the deceased’s mouth.
* Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
* Wear a “Grateful Dead” t-shirt to the wake.
* Put a check to the deceased’s favorite charity in the coffin.
* Sing “Tea For One” at the church.