Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
Before: You tell her you don’t mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you’ve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you’re just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it’s hilarious.
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn’t mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks – your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn’t involve you. What’s more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, “Are you listening to me?” becomes an evening mantra.
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships …..but she suspects that you’re full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you’re full of shit!!