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Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What’s the difference between a pay check and your dick?
A. You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your pay check.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Q. What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
A. It’s Braille for “suck here”.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A. Her navel.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

Q. What’s a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. What’s the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What do you call a Playboy centerfold who’s a lesbian?
A. Bitch.

Q. How can a woman tell she’s flat chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

Q. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. Why do women have periods?
A. They deserve them.

Q. Why did God make man first?
A. He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q. What’s the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. Who cares! What’s she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 10 years your job will still suck.

Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn’t breed.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch.

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