1. Don’t ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it’s going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you’re going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t specify which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There’s no use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, with a cost of living increase. I’m not really here for the money anyhow.