Animals, Lawyers
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well,...
Animals, Cowboys, Dogs, Elephants, Jungle
Q: Diner: I can’t eat this chicken. Call the manager.A: Waiter: It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?A: The outside.Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A walkie-talkie, of...
Animals, Business, Doctors, Dogs, Men, One Liners, Poems and Rhymes, Silly Sayings, Women
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it. Hey, act your age — senile! I’ve had...
Animals, Blondes, Dogs, Men, Students, Teachers
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?* He who laughs last thinks slowest.* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at...
Animals, Dogs, Elephants, Football, Men, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Sports, Students, Teachers
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to...
Animals, Cowboys, Dogs, Football, Rednecks, Sports
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by...
Animals, Computers, Dieting, Doctors, Elephants
* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says,...
Animals, Farmers
A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.”Oh, about $300 today,” said the owner. “But in...
Animals
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?A: Because they don’t know the words.Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?A: To a crow bar.Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange...
Animals, Business, One Liners, Women
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff?...
Animals, Elephants, Football, Sports
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.At the start of the second half...
Animals, Dogs, Religion, Women
God created the donkey and said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.You will be a donkey.”The donkey answered: “I will...
Animals, Horses, Religion
Mr. Jones was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane.Mr. Jones struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did,...
Animals
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas...
Animals, Dogs, Horses, Pigs
Why do ducks have webbed feet?To stamp out forest fires!Why did the pig go to the casino?To play the slop machine!What is a pigs favorite ballet?Swine Lake!What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?Pooched eggs!How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?Eat him...
Animals, Cowboys, Dogs, Internet, Politics
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the...
Animals, Business, Cats, Dogs, Elephants, Horses, Military
Now you know, add these terms to your vocabulary and be the hit of the party when watching Animal Planet TV shows!A group of antelope is called a herd.A group of ants is called an army or a colony.A group of apes is called a shrewdness.A group of baboons is called a...
Animals, Drinking, Rednecks, Religion, Students
I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying “pecans ahead.” Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate?What do rednecks call duck tape?Chrome.An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number...
Animals, Dogs, Horses
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell...
Animals, Politics, Students
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder...
