A practical joke involving jello

Here’s a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the...

The Biology Song

A Mad Scientist Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house, Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse. The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed, The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose. The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, I...

A New Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the...

Newfoundland, My Newfoundland

(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz Convection’s cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did...

Nights Before Christmas

Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...

The Cat’s Chalkboard Assignments

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the...

Redneck 101

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.You think a subdivision is part of a math...

The Cesium Song

Oh Cesium(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Thy sky-blue lines in plasma’s fire,Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,When held, you never...

Another Twisted Greeting Card

It’s Christmas time, and once again, the family’s gathered ’round.Uncles, aunts, and cousins come to raise a joyful sound.All that is, except for you, whom we can only send this mail.But we’ll save your gifts for fifty years till you get out of...

Christmas Breakfast

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.”His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He...

Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States’ Capital this Christmas season. This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capitol. A search for a...

Big Balls

They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen!They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn’t enough.They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came.I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas...

Christmasisms

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also. Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.

Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar

December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down anduse as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.December 2Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3Using candlewick and hand gilded...
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