Holidays, Women
(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz Convection’s cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did...
Business, Holidays
Here’s a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the...
Holidays, Men, Poems and Rhymes, Songs
A Mad Scientist Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house, Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse. The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed, The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose. The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, I...
Business, Computers, Holidays, Santa Clause, Students, Teachers
If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.If Microsoft ran Christmas…Each time you bought an ornament,...
Holidays, Religion, Santa Clause
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the...
Animals, Dogs, Holidays, Men, Pigs, Religion, Seniors
Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...
Holidays, Marriage
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the...
Animals, Business, Food, Holidays, Religion, Salesmen, Students, Teachers
You find yourself casually standing in a cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer your boss Ussss. You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner...
Holidays, Rednecks
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.You think a subdivision is part of a math...
Holidays, Songs
Oh Cesium(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Thy sky-blue lines in plasma’s fire,Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,When held, you never...
Holidays
It’s Christmas time, and once again, the family’s gathered ’round.Uncles, aunts, and cousins come to raise a joyful sound.All that is, except for you, whom we can only send this mail.But we’ll save your gifts for fifty years till you get out of...
Food, Holidays
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.”His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He...
Holidays, One Liners, Poems and Rhymes, Santa Clause, Songs
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…” 2. Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. 3. Paint your...
Holidays, Men
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States’ Capital this Christmas season. This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capitol. A search for a...
Holidays
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also. Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.
Animals, Cowboys, Holidays, Men, Religion, Scouting
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to...
Dogs, Fishing, Football, Holidays, Sports
*As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.*As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time.*As a hood ornament.* Put on top of the tree.*As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet...
Drinking, Holidays, Women
What did the drunk give to his daughter for Christmas?Pickle Me Elmo!
Holidays
They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen!They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn’t enough.They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came.I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas...
Animals, Computers, Dogs, Holidays
December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down anduse as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.December 2Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3Using candlewick and hand gilded...
