Business, Computers, Holidays, Santa Clause, Students, Teachers
If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.If Microsoft ran Christmas…Each time you bought an ornament,...
Business, Computers, Poems and Rhymes, US President
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft’s operating systems, Sony’s president said, “We intend to capture the high...
Business, Computers, Dogs, Internet
9. E-mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.” 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna....
Business, Computers, Internet, Politics, US President
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to China as of July 1, 2020. The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000...
Business, Computers, Drinking, Women
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look...
Business, Computers, Drinking, Food, Politics
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.7. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)8. Backups? We don’ *NEED* no steenking backups.9. E Pluribus Modem10. …. File not found. Should I...
Business, Computers
Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.Patron: No, it’s still there.Waiter: Maybe...
Animals, Business, Cats, Computers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced....
Business, Computers
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards. They’re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out...
Business, Computers
IBM: It’s Being MendedIBM: Immense Ball of MuckIBM: I Believe in MemorexIBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!IBM: Idiots Built MeIBM: Intense Bowel MovementIBM: Inferior But Marketable?IBM: I’ve Been MisleadIBM: It’s Better ManuallyIBM: Infinitely...
Business, Computers, Dating, Religion
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ’em, year after year.18. Plenty of legal...
Business, Computers, Food, Seniors, US President
A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest.They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists.1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using...
Business, Computers, Dogs
“Excuse me, sir.” “Is that you again, Moses?” “I’m afraid it is, sir.” “What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?” “How did you guess?” “I don’t have to guess, Moses....
Business, Computers, Holidays, Marriage, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Songs
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song “Happy Birthday”. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in...
Business, Computers, Holidays, Lawyers, Songs
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?A: Forget-me-nuts.Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?A: I’m stuck on you. Q: Who sends a thousand valentines...
Animals, Business, Computers
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?He has an Adam’s apple that isn’t an apple…Two calves that will never become cows…A nose bridge that doesn’t lead anywhere…A roof of the mouth that won’t cover...
Business, Computers, One Liners, Religion, Silly Sayings
The Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons torturing your immediate family.10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican website.9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your...
Business, Computers, Holidays, Poems and Rhymes, Programmers, Santa Clause
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker’s a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While...
Business, Computers
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough...
Business, Computers
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at...
