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Business, Computers, Holidays, Santa Clause, Students, Teachers
If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.If Microsoft ran Christmas…Each time you bought an ornament,... read more
Computers, Women
DescriptionMissus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. VariantsGirlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at... read more
Business, Computers, Poems and Rhymes, US President
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft’s operating systems, Sony’s president said, “We intend to capture the high... read more
Business, Computers, Dogs, Internet
9. E-mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.” 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna.... read more
Computers
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.1. Viruses... read more
Computers, Internet
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light... read more
Computers, Programmers, Religion
>WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in dangerWinErr 002: No Error – YetWinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every fileWinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrongWinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System... read more
Animals, Computers, Dieting, Doctors, Elephants
* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says,... read more
Business, Computers, Internet, Politics, US President
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to China as of July 1, 2020. The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000... read more
Business, Computers, Drinking, Women
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look... read more
Computers
For those of use this using floppies…By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes... read more
Business, Computers, Drinking, Food, Politics
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.7. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)8. Backups? We don’ *NEED* no steenking backups.9. E Pluribus Modem10. …. File not found. Should I... read more
Business, Computers
Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.Patron: No, it’s still there.Waiter: Maybe... read more
Business, Computers
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards. They’re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out... read more
Animals, Business, Cats, Computers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced.... read more
Business, Computers
IBM: It’s Being MendedIBM: Immense Ball of MuckIBM: I Believe in MemorexIBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!IBM: Idiots Built MeIBM: Intense Bowel MovementIBM: Inferior But Marketable?IBM: I’ve Been MisleadIBM: It’s Better ManuallyIBM: Infinitely... read more
Business, Computers, Dating, Religion
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ’em, year after year.18. Plenty of legal... read more
Business, Computers, Food, Seniors, US President
A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest.They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists.1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using... read more
Business, Computers, Dogs
“Excuse me, sir.” “Is that you again, Moses?” “I’m afraid it is, sir.” “What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?” “How did you guess?” “I don’t have to guess, Moses.... read more
Business, Computers, Holidays, Marriage, One Liners, Silly Sayings, Songs
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song “Happy Birthday”. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in... read more
