How to Mess with the IRS Next Year

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) –Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take...

Backyard Archaeology

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are...

Useful Work Phrases at Work

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really...

What your car says about you

Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires.Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states.Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp.Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating up...

TOP 21 GOOD THINGS ABOUT HELL

21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ’em, year after year.18. Plenty of legal...

Funerals

What to do at the funeral of someone you don’t like * Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move. * Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow a fraud. * Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead. * Sign the deceased’s...

Blind Date for Ex

“That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend.” “I know, but I don’t hold any grudges.” “I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.” “Well, I had to swear to him...

Parent Job Description

POSITION:Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, PopJOB DESCRIPTION:Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work...

You may be a redneck…

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.You’re a lite beer...

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer....

Signs you have grown up!

1. Your potted plants stay alive.2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.6. You carry an umbrella. You...

The ABC’s of Ex-Girlfriends…

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them...

50 Rules To Be a Man II

(50 more ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you...

How to Attend a Meeting

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. “Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?” If...

50 Ways to Get Out of a Blind Date

1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself. 2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any insect derived food. 3. Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they...

How To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking.Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.Bring a date that only...

Somewhere in the County

The President and his wife are driving in the country near the wife’s hometown. They are low on fuel, so the President stops at a gas station. The man at the gas station comes out and looks into the window.”Hey, we used to date in high school, do you...

ASAP

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. “I see you have put ‘ASAP’ down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put ‘AMAP’...

25 Signs that you are Getting OLD

1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5. You are proud of your lawn...
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