12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over

12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.8....

Redneck Jokes

I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying “pecans ahead.” Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate?What do rednecks call duck tape?Chrome.An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number...

Beer President’s have a Beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the...

A redneck gets shot

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.”Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go...

Opens

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon” answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he...

Pope

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading....

Ribbons

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to...

Singing

An old drunk was in a bar one night begging the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money. In desperation, the drunk said, “Listen, I have this unusual talent. I can fart the tune of the national anthem. If I climb up on your bar and...

Guys Suck

GUYS SUCK…… and let me tell you why.FARTING – How come it’s cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg?JOCK-ITCH – Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don’t want to see you scratch either.PORNOS...

The ABC’s of Ex-Girlfriends…

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them...

Band-Aids

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he...

Drunk Fighter

A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. “I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is,” he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to a man sitting at the bar and hits him behind the neck!...

Pizza Ordering

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with,...

SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twinkwho the hell you are I thinkI’m not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI’m just a little slort of sheepI’m not drunk like tinkle peepI don’t know who is me yetbut the drunker I stand here the longer I...

Late Night Again

At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.He was very proud of himself.The next day, his...

Bar Talk

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.”Why of course,” comes the reply.The first man then asks, “Where are you from?””I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.The first man...

Can you Imagine?

Can you imagine working for the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: – 29 have been accused of spousal abuse. – 7 have been arrested for fraud- 19 have been accused of passing bad checks. – 117 have...

Learn the Ropes

The drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution. He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began making love to her....

More than

The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. “I have loved you more than you will ever know,” he said.”So I was right,” she responded, slapping him across the face. “You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last...
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