Christmas Tree II

Christmas trees are better than women because….1. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.2. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.3. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if...

Year 2010 – Neverland

I resolve never to tell my husband “I told you so” for the first 3 days of the new year.I resolve never to embarrass my husband by wearing cheap jewellery and clothes.I resolve never to work in the kitchen so I can look my best when he comes home.I resolve...

The Secrets of Women’s Language

… a must-read for any man.Keywords and their meanings:”Fine”: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use “Fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you...

Reasons

TO MY DEAR WIFE,During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late...

What does a Turkey Say?

“Gobble, gobble, gobble?” ……. Not always!What does …A jewelry-lovin’ turkey say? “Bauble bauble bauble”A dyslexic turkey say? “Boggle Boggle Boggle”A turkey in the shoe repair shop say? “Cobble cobble...

Why it’s Good to be a Woman

Buying underwear size small is pride, not shameWhen you go out of the pool you don’t have to worry about certain organsSize does not matterYou are blessed with the ability to be vindictive and cruel and you are not ashamed to admit itTickets from policeman is an...

Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward...

Are you lonesome tonight?

Elvis Sing AlongAre you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day…When you had all your teeth and your gums?Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim?Hysterectomy...

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the...

The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage...

Because I’m a Man

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will...

Football Broadcast

The Top 20 Things You Hear on a Football Broadcast that Sound Dirty, But Aren’t20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow 17. It’s a...

Bubba’s Suin

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?” “Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer. “And now someone is suin’...

Secret Stuff

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bob had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bob, “Just what the hell is your secret?”So Bob replies, “Well Coach, whenever I’m...

Why are We Here?

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”And this is what I said.”I’ve thought a lot about it,...

Pre-nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, agree that:1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, wheezing like an old...

Marriage Anonymous

There is a new, specialized service called “Marriage Anonymous”WOMEN:When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn’t shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at...

Vows

It is amazing the differences in the way that we feel before the vows are exchanged … and after.B – You take my breath awayA – You’re suffocating meB – She says she loves the way I take control of the situation A – She called me a...
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