Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some...

Lazy Highway Crew

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, “Don’t worry,...

You work for the government if…

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. 2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can’t explain in the simplest terms what they do. 3. The process becomes more important than...

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your...

Murphy’s Work Laws

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look...

Food One-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called “The Fission Chips.”On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.A couple...

Mistakes on a Resume

These are from actual resumes: “Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs. “I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.” “Qualifications:...

The Resume Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the...

Useful Work Phrases at Work

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really...

The Environmentalist

One day an executive from a large corporation paid a visit to a fanatical environmentalist who lived in a nearby forest. The executive wanted the approval of the environmentalist for a new product his company was creating, and he took it upon himself to make the visit...

LIFE – by a 90 year old

Written by R Brett, 90 years old, of Cleveland, Ohio …..To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:1. Life...

A Guide to Walking Tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced....

Laws

Oliver’s Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.Orben’s Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t, constants aren’t.Ozman’s...

Walmart Job Interview

Jennifer, a manager at a local Walmart store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their...

Creative Wording

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let’s say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin...

USA Dream

Joe Smith starts another day early, having set his alarm clock (made in China) for 6:00 am while his coffee pot (made in China), is perking, he puts his hair dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in China). He puts on a dress shirt...
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