Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who...

How Careers End…

Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists’ models are deposed....

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the...

Lawyers and PC’s

The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers haven’t managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year

United States VS Japan

There are many reasons why the United States finds itself playing second fiddle to Japan today in so many high-technology areas where American pre-eminence was once unquestioned. Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell:Out of...

Settling a Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled...

Occupy! Wall Street!

Terms you need to learn prior to occupying.CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying...

The Value of Children

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther,...

Kids

I’m proud of how many kids I’ve managed to put through college.We have my dentist’s kids, my mechanic’s kids and of course my lawyer’s kids……I have a kid in college who thinks he’s being independent when he buys his own...

3 Questions

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was...

3 Men in Saudi

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia. For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the...

Pulse

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.””And did you listen for a heartbeat?”...

Doctor and Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.”You know, Stan,” said the doctor, “I hate it when people come up to me at a party to tell me what’s wrong with them. They expect me to dish out free advice right on the spot. Does that ever happen...

More Lawyer Jokes

What’s the difference between Darth Maul, Darth Vader, and Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars movies?None. They’ve yet to open their own law firm.What do lawyers follow?The Dark side of the Force.Mark Twain said: “We have no professional criminal...

Civics Test

If you find twenty dollars lying in the middle of the road, would you:(A. Give it to an honest lawyer,(B. Give it to an honest politician,(C. Keep it.The correct answer is:(C. Keep it because there’s no such thing as an honest lawyer or an honest...

Devil’s Due

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.”Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer.”What do you do?”The...

Court Scene

Defence lawyer: You’re a foolProsecutor: And you’re a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
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