Nights Before Christmas

Animals, Dogs, Holidays, Men, Pigs, Religion, Seniors

Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...

Legal Eyesight

Lawyers, Men, Seniors

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at...

One Less Lawyer

Business, Lawyers, Men, Seniors

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon,...

White Coats

Golf, Men, Religion, Seniors, Sports

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear. One of the golfers asked...

Minnesota Taxi Ride…

Men, Religion, Seniors

A woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The taxi driver Ole, who happened to be an old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him: – “What’s wrong with...

We could have been here sooner!

Golf, Men, Religion, Seniors, Sports

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of...

The Nut Tree

Men, Religion, Seniors

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full,...

Settling a Cow Case

Animals, Business, Engineers, Lawyers, Men, Seniors

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled...

Can’t Swim

Men, Seniors

An old man walking along the river bank suddenly spotted a boy drowning in the river. The man started shouting “HELP! HELP! I can’t swim!”A man passing by the road shouted back, “Will you ever grow up! I also can’t ride a bicycle but...

Enjoy this one

Men, Seniors

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and...

Old Age Disease

Doctors, Men, Nurses, Patients, Seniors

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t...

Florida Senior Citizens

Men, Seniors

A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: “My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one. “Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another....

Proud

Men, Seniors

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.”What’s to be proud?” asked the old man.”I noticed that when you sneeze you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.””Of...

Snappy Comeback Lines

Men, Religion, Seniors

“Did you take a bath?””Why, Is there one missing?””Are you chewing gum?””No, I’m John Smith.””I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.””Yes, Madam. How large is your...

Telegram

Holidays, Men, Seniors

It was Schneider’s birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. “Telegram!”He opened the door excitedly, “Is it a singing telegram?” Schneider asked the messenger boy.”No Sir. We don’t do singing telegrams...

Elderly Couple at McDonalds

Men, Seniors

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for...

Who… Whuh?

Men, Religion, Seniors

When a busload of refugees came to the church, she requested the old man and the old lady clinging to the edge of the truck to come home with her.After consultation they said they would. She gave them a bath, a good meal and finally led them to their bedroom.After a...

Welfare

Men, Seniors, Sex

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.I’d really rather have a job.’ The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing...

Pop Concerts in Japan

Men, Seniors

Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was absolutely packed to the afters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first...

Just Checking

Men, Seniors

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased — what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to...