In the End

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. “My grandfather lived to be 96.””Ninety-six? What finally got him???””Liquor and women.””Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy,...

Gas Service

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen...

Samples

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.” The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,...

You’re Next!

When I was younger I hated going to weddings… it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’They stopped after I started doing the same thing to...

Serenity

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented....

Little Tommy on Getting Older

Little TOMMY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you...

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,I’m happy — althoughMy boss let me go –Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit...

Advise

Mrs. Swensen and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at the senior citizens center. “So, Mrs. Swensen. What’s nu?””Well” said Mrs. Swensen, “Last night I went out with Mr. Stein, and he was such a gentleman. Why,...

Love, Marriage, etc

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by...

Horny Grandparents

This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot spell, and finds his grand father standing in front of the air conditioner without any pants on.Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don’t have any pants on.”Grandfather says:...

Do you Believe

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his new employees. “Yes, Sir.” the employee replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss continued. “After you left early yesterday to go to your...

Songs

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”The...

Xmas Shorties

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Answer: Frostbite.Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?Because he had low elf esteem.Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?Answer: Ribbon...

The Sixth Sense?

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates,...

Late Eighties

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts,...

Senior Thoughts

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on...

An 80 Year Old Man

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?” The old timer said, “I’m a golfer and that’s why I’m in...

Telephone Rings

At dawn the telephone rings.”Hello, Senior Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.””Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?””Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior, that your parrot...

On Exercise

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.3. I joined a health club last year, spent...
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