New Las Vegas Slogans

“What Happens Here, Stays Here” is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders: 1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.) 2) It’s The Gambling, Stupid 3) You’re Broke,...

Bumper Stickers You Might Want

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in...

9 Things Dogs Don’t Understand

1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3 am. 2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10...

A Collection of Insults!

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff?...

Quickies V

This just in:Saddam’s Response to the Recent Bombings(Baghdad) Following a second day of heavy bombing in and around the Iraqi capital, Saddam Hussein reportedly announced that he is willing to accept censure.========There are two theories to arguing with women....

12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over

12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.8....

40 Things Never Said by a Redneck

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.38. Duct tape won’t fix that.37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.35. We don’t keep...

Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

[Or, “Welcome to my life.”]* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you. * Fabric walls offer little protection from gunfire. * The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right. * Prison cells are...

Perplexing Questions

Answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions:How do men exercise on the beach?By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?ONE – He just holds it up there and waits for the world to...

COMPUTER ONE LINERS:

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory… Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Justify my text? I’m sorry but it has no excuse. Programming is an art form that fights back.

50 Rules To Be a Man II

(50 more ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you...

50 Ways to Get Out of a Blind Date

1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself. 2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any insect derived food. 3. Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they...

Thanks Giving Quick One Liners

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age!What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!How do you hold a turkey in suspense? (Scroll Down)(get it?)

Dumb Headlines

“Infertility unlikely to be passed on”–> Montgomery Advertiser”Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men”–> The Sunday Oregonian”Man shoots neighbor with machete”–> The Miami Herald”Court Rules Boxer...
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