Lawyer in Heaven

Food, Lawyers, Religion

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they’re getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and...

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!

Marriage, Men, Religion, Women

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he...

Bologna

Religion

One day a guy looked out his kitchen window where he was drinking his coffee, trying to get his parrot to say something. Just then he saw a bunch of kids trying to break his fence. He yelled out to them, “If you kids don’t get lost, I’m gonna call...

Maria

Religion

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second...

Rookie

Religion

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start...

Pope

Drinking, Religion

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading....

Pope and Queen

Religion

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of...

Useless

Religion

A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “F#@king ants,” with each smash. The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy....

Slow Golfers

Doctors, Engineers, Golf, Religion, Sports

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but...

At the Sermon

Men, Religion

A priest had lost a cock (Male hen) and didn’t know where to find it.So at the sermon next day he queried “Has anybody got the cock? “All the men stood up.”No no I mean has anybody seen the cock?”All the women folk stood up.”No no I...

Something Wrong

Blondes, Men, Religion, Sex

The high school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she’d often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.”Now my daughter,” consoled the Priest, “I’m sure if you think about it,...

Go to Heaven

Religion

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ The man said, ‘I do, Father.’The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’Then the priest asked the second man,...

Breaking The Silence

Religion

Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”Brother John lived in the monastery...

Fix It

Religion

A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a car, since neither could afford one on his own. On the day of the purchase, they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than of the other.The priest was a...

No Virgin!

Religion

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.”Who is this?” asks the padre.”Oh, that’s the Virgin of Guadalupe””And this portrait?””That...

Computer Possessed

Business, Computers, One Liners, Religion, Silly Sayings

The Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons torturing your immediate family.10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican website.9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your...

Wrong Side

Food, Religion, Songs

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, “Good morning sisters” and they reply in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”This stuns the...

Brother!

Religion

Luigi: “Father, I wanna an annulment.”Priest: “Why, Luigi? You justa gota married yesterday.”Luigi: “I tink I married my sister.”Priest: “No, no Luigi.. I know you an your wife alla your lives, and there is no relation. Whata...

Anything Better?

Religion

Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary’s Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.The local priest walks by and gives her a glare. “Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren’t you ashamed?””What?”...

Short Ones VII

Religion

What’s better than hugging a doggie?Kissing a pussy!Height of Laziness:A man in is first night lying on top of a woman & waiting for an earthquake to do the rest!Why do women wear red lipstick?WARNING! Wrong hole!What’s the similarity between a priest...