Nights Before Christmas

Animals, Dogs, Holidays, Men, Pigs, Religion, Seniors

Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...

The Lawyers Last Stand

Lawyers, Religion, Women

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched...

Top 10 Reasons To Like Hanukkah

Holidays, Religion, Songs

10. No roof damage from reindeer.9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones. 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races. 6. You can use your...

WD-40

Animals, Business, Computers, Fishing, Religion, Students, Women

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat.Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around...

The Cohen Brothers and Mr. Ford

Religion

It was a sweltering August day when all three Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker.”Mr. Ford,” announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. “We have a remarkable invention that will...

Part in a Play

Men, Religion, Students, Teachers

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.She asks, “What part is it?”The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a...

Hawaii

Religion

An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, “Would you...

Time and Friends …

Religion, Students

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do?Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!Each of us...

Made-up Personals from Israeli Newspapers

Holidays, Religion, Seniors, Students, Teachers

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parent’s house. Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. Couch potato latke, in...

Personal Advice

Golf, Religion, Sports

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her. “Pardon me, sir” she said. “You are aiming in the wrong direction – back towards the golf...

More Church Bloopers

Doctors, Nurses, Patients, Religion

–> The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.–> Tonight’s sermon-“What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir...

Divine Intervention…

Religion

A friend of mine… was driving through an intersection one day and his little four-year-old son was in the car with him… The car door flew open, and the little boy rolled out of the vehicle right into the middle of traffic coming from four ways!The last...

Bologna

Religion

One day a guy looked out his kitchen window where he was drinking his coffee, trying to get his parrot to say something. Just then he saw a bunch of kids trying to break his fence. He yelled out to them, “If you kids don’t get lost, I’m gonna call...

Know your Bible

Religion

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (..repent and be baptized….)The...

WWJD

Religion

Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them.She was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so she asked the clerk.The clerk replied...

Even More Church Bloopers

Doctors, Dogs, Nurses, Patients, Religion

* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.* The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.* The sermon this morning: Jesus...

Rookie

Religion

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start...

Investments

Religion

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?””Well, one day I opened...

Bingo Wet

Religion

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The guy asked: “Where did you get that?”His wife replied: “I won it at...

Wonderings

Religion

We wouldn’t tell you how to live, but we do suggest that you never argue with a fool, people may not be able to tell you apart.Do card tricks for the group you play poker with.Get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.Go make the same...