Nights Before Christmas

Da nights bepor ChristmasAn all tru da houseNating pasNot eben a mouse.Da children dey nossieall snog on da ploorAn Mama puts newspepperTru da crack on da dor.Den Mama in da stobeRoost up da manukSteer up da adoboAn make bake da biko.Den out on da rudDey got such a...

First Turkey

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Gettin’ old is so much fun… Remember: Don’t make old People mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take...

White Coats

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear. One of the golfers asked...

Legal Eyesight

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at...

One Less Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon,...

Minnesota Taxi Ride…

A woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The taxi driver Ole, who happened to be an old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him: – “What’s wrong with...

We could have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of...

The Nut Tree

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full,...

Senior Foursome

With waning enthusiasm for the sport, a foursome of seniors hit the golf course.”Seems these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” moaned the first senior.”Boy, these fairways really seem to be getting longer too,” complained the...

Settling a Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled...

Can’t Swim

An old man walking along the river bank suddenly spotted a boy drowning in the river. The man started shouting “HELP! HELP! I can’t swim!”A man passing by the road shouted back, “Will you ever grow up! I also can’t ride a bicycle but...

Enjoy this one

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and...

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”...

You may be a redneck…

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.You’re a lite beer...

Real Life Dilberts

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest.They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists.1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using...

Lowly

I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My Boss was the company’s third employee. At a meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-selves one by one. When it was my Boss’ turn, he said, “I’ve been...

Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a...

Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great roasting pan.The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that...

Marriage Troubles

A young marriage counselor, haggard with the troubles of his clients, got into the elevator with an elderly but highly spirited senior consultant.”How on earth do you remain so youthful and happy, sir ?” sighed the younger man, “Listening to all...
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