Alaskan Birthday Party

Business, Holidays, Men, Sex

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After...

Words for the Wise

Dogs, Marriage, Politics, Religion, Sex, US President

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?”...

The Art of Love Making

Sex, Women

The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.” The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I...

Mr. Gorsky

Baseball, Computers, Sex, Sports

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon. His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, “that’s One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,” Were Televised To...

How Insulting

Animals, Business, Doctors, Horses, Men, Sex

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity. Well, I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only...

Pickle Slicer

Sex, Women

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex...

Zen Teachings

Dogs, Drinking, Religion, Sex

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone. 2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. 3....

LIFE – by a 90 year old

Business, Religion, Sex

Written by R Brett, 90 years old, of Cleveland, Ohio …..To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:1. Life...

Andy Rooney on Sex

Marriage, Men, Sex, Women

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4....

Classified

Sex

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, “Oh my God!” and “Does that come in white?

Quickies V

Dieting, Marriage, One Liners, Sex, Silly Sayings

This just in:Saddam’s Response to the Recent Bombings(Baghdad) Following a second day of heavy bombing in and around the Iraqi capital, Saddam Hussein reportedly announced that he is willing to accept censure.========There are two theories to arguing with women....

What Time is it?

Sex, Students

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant...

Down at the Retirement Home

Elephants, Sex

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!” An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An...

Nose Digging

Men, Sex

Advice from father to son.Son(S): Why is making love so enjoyable?Father(F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men?F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort...

Signs you have grown up!

Dating, Dieting, Dogs, Drinking, Food, Sex, Songs

1. Your potted plants stay alive.2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.6. You carry an umbrella. You...

Money Back…

Sex

A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blowup doll. He says to the owner, “Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my fifty bucks back.” The owner says, “Hell, if I’d have known she...

Remedy

Doctors, Sex

Chad wasn’t too happy with his doctor’s recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.”You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?” he cried. “I’m a young guy. I’m in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and...

Sale!

Sex

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up...

Back Trouble

Sex, Women

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie. They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck he couldn’t move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned...

Five Bucks

Sex

Dirty little Johnny is delivering newspapers.He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, “Collect… that’ll be five dollars.”She says, “I’m a little short on cash, but if you want, I’ll give you sex instead.”Johnny...