Inebriated State

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door...

Credit Card Fun

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going...

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he...

Spell a Word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.They saw...

Next One

Santa picked up his wife Jeeto and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home.It was not long before Jeeto suggested that Santa try his hand at changing a diaper.”I’m busy,” he said. “I promise I’ll do the next one.”The...

Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4....

Wife’s Tonsils

A man approached his family physician and said, “Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.” The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed, “Why, I removed them six years ago!...

Never Understand

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.He turned to...

Vacuum Salesman

This salesman selling vacuum cleaners is going from door to door trying to flog them to unsuspecting housewives. He goes to this new estate hoping to have some luck there. Carrying his cleaner up to the door and holding a bunch of goodies in his other hand, he knocks...

Four New Fathers

Four New FathersFour expectant fathers are in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.””What a coincidence,” the man...

Not Men Bashing

This is for men tired of receiving male-bashing jokesHow many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine...

The Wife

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but boy can she climb a tree!She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.We always hold...

Knickers

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman, go out to dinner one night with there wives. There all sitting around the table chatting and laughing when Paddy Englishman drops his fork, so he bends down to pick up his fork when he looks up his wife’s...

The Artist’s Wife

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for...

Late Wife

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and...

The ABC’s of Ex Wives

A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.B is for Balls … which are now ours again.C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.E is for Equitable Distribution...

Double Wedding

Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.Jim said, with concern, “I’ll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn’t consummate my marriage last...

New Store Opened

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the...

Pregnant Wife

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now…Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and...

Esteem

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”The second guy says, “That’s...
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