Andy Rooney on Sex

Marriage, Men, Sex, Women

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4....

The Value of Children

Doctors, Lawyers, Students, Women

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther,...

Good News!

Women

When Vickie’s co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, “Seven and a half pounds! I’m so proud!”After she had hung up, she asked, “Boy or girl?””Neither,” her colleague replied…...

And so it was…

Animals, Dogs, Religion, Women

God created the donkey and said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.You will be a donkey.”The donkey answered: “I will...

WD-40

Animals, Business, Computers, Fishing, Religion, Students, Women

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat.Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around...

Another Hallmark Reject

Women

So your daughter’s a hooker,and it spoiled your day…Look at the bright side,she’s a really good lay.

12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over

Dogs, Drinking, One Liners, Women

12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.8....

Simple Test

Women

Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time… And no cheating! 1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner...

Learn your ABC’s – Mom Style!

Food, Students, Women

A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.D...

Wife’s Tonsils

Doctors, Men, Nurses, Patients, Women

A man approached his family physician and said, “Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.” The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed, “Why, I removed them six years ago!...

You Know You’re in Trouble When

Food, Women

… Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. … Your suggestion box starts ticking. … Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. … You make more than you ever made, owe more than...

Well, how do I look?

Food, Men, Women

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The “How Do I Look” Question”That’s a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago.” “I ain’t seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town.” “Uh-uh, the last time I...

Here are the top 10 ways Women drive Men crazy

Men, Songs, Women

10. Do not say what you mean. Ever. 9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. 8. Play Alanis Morissette’s “You Outta Know,” loud. Look at them. Smile. 7. Look them in the eye...

Seminars for Women

Men, Women

To strike a blow for Men everywhere, here are seminars for women(seminars will be given by men only)”Are you ready to leave?” — Definition of the word “yes”Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly “Honey, do I look...

Sleep Easy

Doctors, Women

A 75 year old woman goes to the doctor and tells him she needs some birth control pills and the doctor looks at her and says ma’am your 75 years old why would you need birth control pills?She tells him you see they help me sleep at night.The doctor is still...

Never Understand

Food, Football, Sports, Women

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.He turned to...

Relief!

Women

Some years ago, my high-school girlfriend and I were driving my father to his bowling league. She got in the back of the car to let my father ride up front and have more leg room.Along the way she leaned forward to comment on how strange it felt to be sitting back...

Good Memory

Women

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building.The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was...

Did you hear the one about:

Business, Doctors, Marriage, Men, Religion, Songs, Teachers, Women

The girl who was a wall flower at the dance, but a dandelion in the grass?The drive in theater manager who decided if business got any better he would start showing movies?The two Arabs who sat under a palm tree eating their dates?The recent survey on cigarettes which...

Back Trouble

Sex, Women

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie. They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck he couldn’t move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned...