Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette – I’m in a mid-life crisis.
Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit.
Infiniti Q45 – I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 – I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.
MGB – I am dating a mechanic.
Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Peugeot 505 Diesel – I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 944 – I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
Toyota Camry – I am still in the closet.
Volkswagen Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet – I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus – I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon – I am frightened of my wife.